"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly... who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions,; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known victory nor defeat."

--Teddy Roosevelt

 

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Turning a  Bad Hit  into a   Benefit

     When I was just a small boy, my mother, worried about her oldest child's apparent timidity, signed me up for Judo lessons where I spent two hours every week learning the wonder and secret world of martial arts.  What you might already know about Judo is that the sport is almost exclusively the sport of momentum, based on throws, holds, and wrestling moves.  The secret to Judo is to take your opponent's momentum, then use it for your benefit.

     A bad hit in our lives-- the betrayal of a good friend, the termination of a job, the ending of a marriage, the loss of a loved one, the overwhelming feeling of failure in relationships in your life-- can be turned around to benefit us.  What we do with the hits determines how we approach challenges that lie ahead.  Here are three things to think about in your own experience of turning bad hits into positive momentum-builders:

  • Commit to be a truth-teller: When hard things happen in our lives, we must have the courage to put honest words to the event, whether we are responsible for some part of it, none or all of it.  Begin by putting language to the hit.  Be honest, forthright, courageous.  Example:  A boss had decided that you are not the key person that you thought you were going to be.  Truth-telling says, these are his choices, I can go into his office and ask him about it.  I have options.  I know who I am.  I might have done something, or not done something to erode his trust or confidence in me.  Am I willing to look at that?

  •  Decide to act on what you have learned:  Every event in our lives teaches us about life, and about ourselves.  Glean, rummage around, comb, search--whatever it takes-- to find the lesson in this hard hit.  Example:  You have just experienced the greatest loss in your life, the ending of a marriage.   Since a marriage always involves two committed individuals, the end of a marriage always involves two people.  To decide to act on what you have learned, whether you were partially or mostly at fault, practically requires you to alter your routines, patterns, and habits in order to jumpstart a new life.

  • Surround yourself with life-giving people, places, activities:  I have been astounded to find that people who endure a tough hit in their life are the least likely to seek out healthy people.  Get over the false pride of not needing others in your life, give yourself to the truth that we are interconnected, whatever our independent, success-driven society might otherwise teach.  Example:  A project at work that you have just given a lot of emotional and mental energy to has been cancelled.  You are tempted to become cynical and resentful.  Instead you call three friends to go to the beach...only the beach is 500 miles away.  Surprisingly, they say yes, especially after you honestly explain what has just happened at work, and you boldly say, "I need your friendship right now.  Will you go with me on a road trip to the beach?"  You will be surprised by how much your friends love you and are committed to you.

It is all about momentum, isn't it?  Try turning the potential negative momentum of a bad hit into a productive challenge which increases your confidence, determination, and commitment.  This process is just one of the ways that coaching can give you a step up in your pursuit of what is most important. 

--Marc Fey
 © Marc Fey, 2001

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